Dear Diary...

I have something that I can't get out of my head. It's been consuming my every thought, haunting me actually.
In late August of 2010 I received a phone call. It was the kind of phone call the no one wants to get, ever! The person on the other end of the phone told me that my father was in the I.C.U. with C.O.P.D. amongst other things and was not doing so well. He wasn't sure if he would make it.
At that time I hadn't seen or heard from my father since I was around 18 years old, and before that probably around 4 or 5.
My mom and dad separated when I was very young. I am not going to get into all the details, but let's just say it didn't end very well for them. 
When I was 6 or 7 my mom met and fell in love with the man a now call dad. 
As soon as I got all of the details I needed from the caller, I hung up the phone and I cried. The next day I asked my younger brother Robert to babysit, and set up a ride from a neighbor. And so began my journey.
 In order to enter the I.C.U. you must talk through the intercom to the nurses at the desk inside. My hands shaking uncontrollably, I pressed the button and told the lady who I was there to see.She told me I would have to wait 15 minutes before I could go in to see him. Let me tell you, those were the longest 15 minutes I have ever lived!! I began to feel even more anxious and overwhelmed with each passing minute. Finally, it was time. I walked through the doors, down the hall with no idea of what to expect. I cannot describe the feelings that swept over meas I entered his room. There lie the man who I used to perceive as "big", now tiny and frail looking. There was the man that I loved as a little girl. There was my father. Hooked up to I.V's and beeping machines and an oxygen mask to assist every breath he took, the same breath that we all take for granted. I stood in the doorway for a moment trying to take it all in.He looked up, and for a moment, didn't realize who I was.Then came the tears. I sat on his bed and hugged him, not wanting to let go. He felt so fragile in my arms. The man who once held me as a baby, was now being held and comforted. We cried in each other's arms. I sat back a bit to take a closer look at him and stroked his cheek. He tried to speak but his words were stuck in his throat and he began having a hard time breathing.I told him it was OK, I know dad,just calm down for a minute, I'm not going anywhere yet. When he started to settle down enough to talk, he asked a few questions, and I answered him as best as I could all the while trying to not upset him or make him feel guilty for not being around.I then took that time to let him know that he was a grandfather. I handed him a picture of my girls, He cried some more, some happy, and some sad and regretful tears I'm sure. He kissed the picture and told me how beautiful they were and how proud of me her was and how he bet I was a great mom.He seemed surprised and thrilled when I told him the picture was his to keep. He then asked me to write the children's name on the back of it for him.
I stayed for about an hour or so because he was clearly too worked up. The nurse came in and asked me to try to keep him calm, she seemed pretty worried about him. I hugged him again and we said our goodbyes. It took me everything in me to turn around and walk away. I think I knew deep down in my heart that was going to be the last time I would ever see him alive again. The drive home was long and quiet. I gazed out the window, trying to comprehend everything that had just happened. All of a sudden, a peaceful and content feeling came over me for the first time since I had heard the news. I knew right then and there that I had forgiven him. It was one of the most beautiful feelings I had ever experienced!! As soon as I walked through my door, I picked up my phone and dialed the number he had given me.
" Dad, I forgive you" There was complete silence. I heard him weeping. He just kept thanking me over and over again. When I got home I grabbed my kids and held them as tight as I possibly could and told them how much I loved them.

To be continued....

Dear Diary:

I am ready to make some changes in my life!!!I know that I'm not old, but I'm not getting any younger. In one week I will be turning 29 years old and I think it's about time that I become more pro-active.
I've been thinking a lot lately & I've realized that the majority of my life has been spent waiting. Waiting for a friend to stop by, waiting to start a new project, waiting for better weather. Then what exactly have I been doing in the mean time??? Also, is there ever a "right" time anyways? What the HELL am I waiting for? There is no better time then the present, so, here I am!!!Every moment that passes, is gone, finished, over.I am sick of just wasting time. When I look back on even the past few months, I regret the fact that that i haven't really been making the most of the time that I had.Don't get me wrong, I am always busy with day to day business. I have to young children who depend on me from everything from feeding them to kissing them better when they get hurt. I take my job as a Mom very seriously & I wouldn't change it for the world. But, that's the thing; I find that when a woman becomes a mother, many times they lose themselves.I remember one of the first times I realized the fact that before my mom was "mom" she was first "Karen". It was during her 50th birthday party. She was opening her gift from her older brother & inside was a trumpet.My mom's face lit up & tears quickly came to her eyes. Now, I don't think it was the trumpet alone that made her that happy, but the idea behind the trumpet. You see, before she had us kids, she played the trumpet (really well too) My uncle still sees her as Karen, his little sister, the woman who once played in the school band, participated in track & field, excelled in math class. That is when it all hit me that she is not only my mother but a sister, a daughter, a friend, a woman. This all may sound quite simple, but to me it was an important turning point in my life. The same goes for myself as well. Before I became a mother to 2 intelligent beautiful little girls, I was first a little sister to Barb & Dana, a big sister to Stephanie, Joe, Amanda, Tara, Lisa & Robby.I am a daughter, a niece a friend & a student to name a few. I need to get that back. I need to continue growing & pushing myself further in life. I need to get that back not only for myself, but for my little girls. I have always said that I am not just raising to children, I'm raising two women. I want my little ladies to look up to me & learn from me. Not just the day to day lessons, but life lessons. I want them to grow up knowing that you really can achieve anything you set your mind to. That no matter where you are in life, what age you are or how much money you have (or don't have) you should never lose your passion & you can always set & obtain your goal. "When I grow up I want to be a writer & an artist" What do you want to be? What's your passion??

In the Beginning...

This blog is going to be a lot like my mind, all over the place! I don't want to name it just yet because I feel as though a name will mean that I have to write about a certain subject, but I really just want to write whatever I feel that day  :) I have too many ideas, thoughts, stories in mind that it would be silly for me to not write them down somewhere. Sometimes I will share articles I find interesting, & sometimes maybe pictures of my children. The subject will probably change on a daily basis. I have a lot of ideas for this blog so I hope you can all remain patient with me while I get the hang of it. Thanks for reading!!!